Sky Mall: Love it and Hate it

A few days ago, American Airlines almost kept me from reading Sky Mall.

To many, this may not seem like a big deal. For me, however, this is a phenomenon repeated only when copious amounts of alcohol or severe lack of sleep physically prevent me from reaching into my seat-back pocket to browse the latest edition of the gadget-filled magazine. Sky Mall easily wins the award for simultaneously being the most insanely awesome and most absurdly ridiculous magazine. Girls and Corpses Magazine comes in a close second. So, almost every time I find myself on a plane, I open up Sky Mall and browse through the volumes of expensive items that nobody actually needs. This time, however, American Airlines provided me with an interesting alternative. No, it wasn't American Way Magazine, which isn't bad, nor was it the in-flight NBC programming, which is great for the most part. American Airlines now offers internet on all Boeing 767-200s, select MD-80s, and will soon be added to their Boeing 737 fleet. Since this feature's limited launch over a year ago, AA has siginificantly enhanced their coverage, but has also maintained a fee of around $10 per flight for the service. Reading Sky Mall is still free -- I went with the old faithful and found a few gems definitely worth sharing:

1. Telekinetic Obstacle Course

This first item is a stretch even for Sky Mall, and that's really saying something. The product is actually called Mindflex and is distributed by Mattel for cheaper than Sky Mall's price of $99.95. The game comes with a headband and two earlobe clips that measure the focus of your brain waves to increase or decrease the speed of a fan, which determines the height of the ball. You move the ball through an obstacle course by either focusing harder, to speed the fan up and raise the ball, or focusing less hard, to slow the fan down and lower the ball. Definitely a cool idea, but this product raises a lot of questions. Mainly, isn't this a pretty big deal? You can power something on and off with your brain and the first application we're hearing about is in a toy? At any rate, someone apparently must have managed to economize the production of EEG brain wave monitoring technology. For anyone who thinks this seems an awful lot like some sort of Jedi mind training exercise, don't worry, they've got that covered too. All these brain toys are weirding me out, I'll just stick with my simple computerized Marshmallow Bazooka.

2. Electronic Feng Shui Compass

Wow, I don't even know where to start with this one. I guess the "Fortune Compass" has been on the Sky Mall circuit for a while actually, but why? Maybe because for the "New Low Price" of $199.99, yuppies with only superficial knowledge of the ancient Chinese system of aesthetics can now easily pretend that they've embraced positive qi all along. And they can do it in a way they understand, by pointing something at something else, pressing a button and reading a screen. This high-tech portable compass uses "advanced aerospace guidance technology" to maximize "supportive energy fields" and "align your physical surroundings to help manifest your goals and intentions." Old feng shui compasses, called Luopan's, looked like this. As an indicator for spiritual and energetic conditions, yeah, that seems about right. The Fortune Compass, on the other hand, is just capitalist electronic bastardization of an ancient pseudoscience neatly boxed in something that looks like a blood tester for diabetics. The screen that displays the word "success" when pointed toward a completely rearranged living room should be replaced with a mirror and the word "failure." For more idiocy, try Aculife Therapist Deluxe.

3. Solafeet Foot Tanner

This product is quite simply absurd. If there was ever a time that I'd actually recommend a spray-on tan, it would be on a small, inconsequential, often ignored or overlooked part of your body, like your feet. Don't get me wrong, I love feet (not in that weird kissy way) and I also love putting myself in positions where they won't get tan while the rest of my body does, but spending $229.99 for a foot bed that zaps your feet full of UV rays seems unnecessary. And if you were thinking that this product was generally acceptable because foot cancer isn't an issue, you're just plain wrong. Foot melanoma is the deadliest cancer.

Other notables include:

• The Slanket: Why get a Snuggie when you can pay more for the dumber-sounding Slanket?
• 3D Web Camera: You'll be watching porn in three dimensions before you know it.
• Migraine Magic Plus: Tested on Guantanamo detainees!
• Pure Fun MagicShowerhead: Make showering on ecstasy even more fun!
• Big Pitcher Water Treatment System: Why drink H2O when you can have H4O?
• "Lost Balls" golf book: Nice title, that's all.
• Underwater Cellular Phone System: Drowning your day-to-day worries is now impossible.

Really, Montblanc.... really?

Today, in commemoration of 140th anniversary of Mahatma Gandhi's birth, Montblanc-- the German purveyor of luxury writing implements-- has released a limited edition fountain pen with a price tag of, get this, $24,763.00

Before I declare this to be one of the most moronically misguided luxury product launches ever, let's take a moment to review my personal stance on prestige items-- and here it is: I love luxury goods. I spent months of my life locked in the dungeon that is the Johns Hopkins library studying them. I love the companies that furnish them, I love the manner in which they are sold, I love the unique desire that they provoke in otherwise reasonable customers. In a word, I find the whole concept of the luxury industry completely and utterly fascinating.

Montblanc is no exception to this interest. Having briefly studied its business model and corporate strategy from an academic standpoint, I can safely say that--the present Gandhi travesty aside-- I think Montblanc is a pretty great/neat/swell company. I would go so far as to call it the bee's knees. The cat's pajamas. Whatever.

This said, let's take a moment to evaluate the situation. Correct me if I'm wrong (after all, I'm no historian) but Gandhi is known as one of history's greatest political and ideological leaders. His central philosophy is largely based on such concepts as asceticism and general simplicity, right? Now, with this in mind, how in god's name does Montblanc justify trying to sell a $25,000 pen in his honor?

Says Oliver Goessler*, regional director for Montblanc in India, Africa and the Middle East, "It's not an opulent pen. It's a writing instrument that's very pure."

Um, I beg your pardon?

In case you were wondering, here's a rundown of the allegedly non-opulent pen. Each of the 241 individually handmade units features an 18-carat solid gold, rhodium-plated nib engraved with Gandhi’s image, and a saffron-colored opal on the clip. Each will be sold with a 26' long gold thread that can be wound around the pen to 'invoke the spindle Gandhi used to weave plain cotton cloth each day**,' and, of course, will include a booklet of inspiring Gandhi quotations.

And believe it or not, the whole thing gets even more ridiculous. Because, as Goessler puts it, "when we talk about Gandhi, there has to be an edition that's more accessible," Montblanc has graciously put out a more affordable version of the absurd Ghandi pen. How much will that puppy run you? Oh, a mere $3,500. A trifle, really.

In all fairness, Montblanc has tied the pen to two significant charity initiatives, one of which is headed by Gandhi's great-grandson. In my opinion, though, if the company had wanted to make an actual, right now difference, it would have bought a truck load of BICs and distributed them in elementary schools across India.

But that's just me.

* I got all of this idiot's*** quotations from this article.

** I've never heard such ridiculous garbage. The notion of rough handmade cotton cloth is supposed to be invoked via a filament of solid gold on a $25,000 pen. Jesus.

*** Ok, so I probably shouldn't trash talk this dude since I might want a job from him some day but, come on-- if he just became less of an idiot he'd save us both the trouble.

Words to live by...

"The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity"

-Harlan Ellison