Watch Out Humans

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/25/science/25voice.html?hpw

ANNOUNCEMENT

TWEEDLE DEE TWEEDLE DOM ON AN INDEFINITE LEAVE OF ABSENCE.
AUTHOUR CRIPPLED BY SELF-DOUBT

Snacking: A Tradition Revisited

Since I graduated from college I have been exposed to various new things in my life such as jobs, old friends, new boyfriends, the dirty martini, and dive bars. If I had to choose one thing that's been a fixture in my life since the beginning it's been snacking. I know this seems like it's coming from way out in left field, but I recently had an episode on an airplane where my blood sugar dropped so low I had two seizures and I had to beg the flight attendants not to have an emergency landing somewhere in Indiana. But that's another story for another day. This fate full plane ride made me realize something: if there is one thing in my life that will never change it is that I must keep snacking. Let's forget gourmet for right now and talk about the bare necessities: string cheese, applesauce, crackers of any sort or brand, yogurt, raisins, and granola, only to name a few.

I work at a small elementary school where snack time is the highlight of my students' (and my) day. Every morning a cheerfull mother or nanny walks into the classroom carrying our classroom's monogrammed Lands End canvas tote filled with goodies. Usually it's string cheese, carrot sticks, or pretzels. Somedays, and these are the best days, we'll get bombarded with mini bagels and cream cheese, hummus, some sort of organic cheese snacks from Whole Foods that I would never buy for myself, or mini cups of smoothie from Jamba Juice. These days I linger for an extra minute at the snack table and set aside a small plate of treats for myself. For later, or for now; I don't care. I gotta keep my blood sugar up somehow

top 3 phrases I overuse

#1 ... As such

#2 ... That said

#3 ... Variations of  'I'm not kidding'

I'm acutely aware of these issues. That said, they're probably not going to change.

Words to live by...

"Listen, the rumours of my sobriety are greatly exaggerated. And we'll leave it at that."

- Keith Richards

Nicorette's new ad is kinda good.

Sorta feelin' the new Nicorette ad. It's clever/cute enough, gets the point across, and I think the tag line "Makes quitting suck less," is brilliant. More importantly, no ridiculous organization called, like-- Parents against Profanity or some other garbage-- is going to get its panties in a bunch over it. Why not? Because if any idiot claims that their 10 year-old's brain has been poisoned by the verb 'to suck' in the context of a Nicorette commercial, I'm sorry but s/he got bigger problems to worry about. Like why that 10 year-old is paying such close attention to an ad that promotes a product that aids in the elimination of a long-term, pre-existing addiction to cigarettes.

Do you think it's good, or idiotic? Tell me

Your daily dose of awesome

No no no no no, I assure you that this is not a joke.

I repeat,
not
a
joke.

Real.


Fill in the blank: If I had my own hover craft, I would ______________________ .

Here's a thought...

Subject to your own interpretation. Yeah.

Words to live by...

"If a thing is worth doing, it's worth doing badly"

- G. K. Chesterton

Something to Ponder

Men's figure skating took your breath away? I don't usually disagree with Dom but here im going to have to object. Men's figure skating is obscenely ridiculous. What I don't understand is why they have to be so flamboyant? Has there ever, EVER been a non flamboyant mens figure skater? What is it about figure skating that brings out this flair??

Now don't get me wrong, i have nothing against being flamboyant. But Im stunned that an entire sport can be that flamboyant. Is it a rule? Is it a requirement that there costumes are composed of 90% glitter?

I guess the question I am really getting at is can you ice dance and not look flamboyant? I think its possible. I think that it might be the next great thing for the sport. Someone who pushes the boundaries and moves the sport forwards. Minus sequins. Now that I would be impressed with. So I challenge the entire figure skating community. Can you do it? Only time will tell.

Quick Note: Olympics

I'm too addicted to the Olympics to blog properly. Men's figure skating was heart stopping. I'm pretty sure I didn't breathe for the last half hour.

I will do my best to post tomorrow.

For the romantic inside everyone

I won't argue with anyone who calls me a cynic: I seek out patterns, prefer tangible evidence to emotional claims, and generally speaking, am quite scientific in my overall decision making process.

But if you were to strip away the rational, logical layers of my mind, what you'd find is a hopeless romantic*. Yes-- I love seeing people saying goodbye in the airport and little old couples who are still crazy about each other after 50 years together. That said, it's worth mentioning that I have a lower tolerance for cheesy lines and contrived moments than some of my friends, but I'll admit that I'm a sucker for a well crafted Hollywood love story. So, in honor of Valentine's Day-- a holiday dedicated to the institution of love-- I've carefully compiled a list of my five favorite movie kisses. On behalf of the romantic that I believe is inside us all, here they are:

5. 10 Things I Hate About You (1999): 
No, I'm not kidding. Think about it for a second-- paintball, a roll in the hay, and Semisonic-- need I say more? Other notable romantic moments in that flick; Heath Ledger singing 'Can't Take My Eyes Off of You' to Julia Stiles-- accompanied by a marching band. Yes.

4. Spiderman (2002):
I know that this particular scene shows up in quite a few "best kiss" lists, but there's clearly a basis behind its repeat appearances-- classics are classics for a reason. The anonymity... the rain.. the upside-downess... you just can't argue with any part of that.

3. Breakfast at Tiffany's (1961): 
First of all, if you haven't seen this movie, we're not speaking until you do. Beside being on my favorites, this is one of the most romantic movies of all time, period. It makes sense then that it's final scene ends with one of the most romantic kisses of all time. Audrey Hepburn is perfect, George Peppard is perfect, the rain** is perfect, and the cat is, you guessed it, perfect. Enjoy.

2. Slumdog Millionaire (2008): 
I know it seems like a cop out to put such a recent movie on this list, but let me explain. The beauty of this moment is situational; through the movie Jamal and Latika's love is purely psychological. I feel that Hollywood tends to use physical intimacy to solidify its portrayal of love, so the fact that director  Danny Boyle manages to create such a beautifully convincing love story without so much as a peck on the cheek is amazing to me. The film ends at the simple moment that Jamal and Latika's lips first touch-- I know that I could be wrong, but to me, this sweet, chaste conclusion does more to illustrate the nature of human love than anything else I've seen. Note: I couldn't find a way to embed the whole last, but I'll tell you right now that the buildup to that last moment makes it 82% better. If you're feeling sentimental, here it is.

AND my favorite movie kiss of all time is....

[drumroll, please]

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.

.

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1. Lady and the Tramp (1955): 
I just don't think it gets better than this-- the music, the stars, and accidental nose bump when they unknowingly share the same noodle combine to make what is in my humble opinion, the most romantic movie kiss of all time. And the cherry on top? The fact that the Tramp offers Lady the last meatball. God, it just melts my heart.

*Note: hopeless romantic is just a nice way of saying ridiculous sap.


** I know, I know... rain again, but for some reason inclement weather just does it for me. 

Need a last minute Valentine's gift?

Sorry, I don't have an answer. And nor does the lovely Ellen Degeneres. Here's a quick treat in preparation for my fourth* favorite holiday**-- Valentine's day. That  said, I'll be alone tomorrow so expect an epic post.


* 5. Fourth of July, 4. Valentine's day, 3. Thanksgiving, 2. Christmas, 1. My Birthday


** So I realize that 'holiday' is sort of a relative term and that Valentine's day doesn't really exist outside of America, but I don't mind that we've commercialized it. The way I see it, all the fuss just means that everyone in our fine country has to celebrate love. And I love love. 

To all the hippies with whom I went to college:

It is my unfortunate task to inform you that Walter Fredrick Morrison, the inventor of the frisbee, died today at the ripe old age 90. We can all personally attest to the contention that he left a lasting legacy for college quadrangles world wide. And border collies.

Read more here.

Poster Boy

A number of you-- particularly you New Yorkers-- may have heard of Poster Boy, the anonymous guerilla artist who- using only a razor blade- rehashes self-adhesive subway advertisements such that the result is a satirical representation of 'political reality*'

For those of you who haven't, you should look into it. Using his 50¢ boxcutter, he cuts pieces from one** ad and collages them onto another so that a billboard that once promoted, say, the Star Wars DVD box set*** ends up something like this:

The reason that I bring it up today is that yesterday, my contributing author-- the lovely Mr. Nicholas P. Wing-- brought it to my attention that on March 2nd, Mark Batty Publisher will release a compilation book titled Poster Boy: The War of Art. As you might have guessed, it will feature some of the reclusive artist's best work. Further details are still sketchy, but here's the description offered by Amazon.com:

"The New York Times dubbed him an 'anti-consumerist Zorro with a razor blade, a sense of humor and a talent for collage'; the Guardian UK said of his work, it 'is witty, web-savvy and economical . . . and the only materials it requires are chutzpah, imagination and a 50 cent blade.' Poster Boy tweaks corporate copy, replacing it with incisive and playful puns and turns of phrase rich with innuendo and political punch. Beautiful models turn ghastly and iconic spokespeople become the mouthpieces for Poster Boy’s ideas. Poster Boy: The War of Art collects his best work yet"

Check out more of Poster Boy's pieces on his Flickr photostream. If you're stoked about that, you can pre-order the War of Art for under $13 at Amazon. And finally... if you find yourself liking Poster Boy's subway art, have a look at the Subway Art Blog and further broaden your urban art horizon.


* à la George Orwell's Animal Farm


** or two... or twelve...


** I guess it could also be a Star Wars marathon at some artsy NYC movie theatre. Either way, you get the idea. 

Young, broke and (unfortunately) fabulous

As is often the case with recent college graduates, I'm really, really poor. Now, this particular situation is largely accepted and manageable amongst we, the young and broke. Here's the problem: though I fit comfortably under the umbrella of both young and broke, I am further embedded into a small subset of the demographic; the young and broke with expensive taste.

In order to address this problem I've been sentenced to self-imposed exile from any retail establishment outside of Walgreens, SuperTarget, and Safeway. This, however, doesn't prevent me from masochistically browsing the internet domains of my favorite designers and retailers. I'm sad to say that it's not uncommon for my roommates to walk in on me wistfully surfing NeimanMarcus.com, trying to justify $365 for a pair of ballet flats* while eating a bowl of Top Ramen. It's twisted.

My latest online window-shopping obsession? Mulberry, British purveyor of flawless shoes and handbags, amongst other truly fabulous things. The iconic Bayswater tote in green ostrich leather may or may not have changed my life.

*Ok, in my defense, they truly are the most unbelievably fantastic ballet flats you've ever seen. Look. 

Pigeon: Impossible

I, like most people who find themselves to be participating members of digital society,  do a little spring cleaning in my email inbox every once in a while. Today I was doing just this and came across a message from November that linked to an unbelievable animated short film aptly titled Pigeon: Impossible. This said, the video might be old news to you guys, but it's so perfect that I had to share again:



Here's a little background- Pigeon: Impossible represents writer/director/producer/animator Lucas Martell's first attempt at 3D animation. And there's no typo there, I did say his first attempt. Even more impressive is that Martell is not actually trained as a film maker-- he graduated with a degree in commercial music.

According to Martell, the project began as an excuse to learn 3D animation, however, five years and $10k later, the final cut of Pigeon: Impossible is clearly more than the aimless experimentations of some 28 year old computer geek. Somewhere along the line, focus shifted from the technicalities of 3D animation to using those techniques as a means to tell a great story. Correct me if I'm wrong but  to me, the result is an independent short film technically and narratively equal to anything coming from a studio. The kicker? Not only was it accomplished for under 10,000 bucks, Pigeon: Impossible was made exclusively during Mr. Martell and his few volunteers' free time.

Not to beat a dead horse or anything, but like I said, it's unreal. The animation is flawlessly rendered, the soundtrack is awesome, and most importantly, the story line is engaging, hilarious, and charming enough to warm even the coldest of hearts.

If want to learn more about the film, check out the website here.

Now, be honest with me

Who here watches the SuperBowl just for the ads? Ok, maybe just me but still... if you're trying to get a little refresher of some of last year's commercials*, Hulu has made this delicious widget available to bloggers and webmasters everywhere-- and, by default, their readers. You guys. Enjoy:



* or even if you aren't

Likes & Dislikes

Things I Like:

• Google Chrome*
• Red Carpet fashion- The Oscars are coming up and I can barely contain myself. To whet your fashion appetites, here's some wardrobe highlights from last year's Academy Awards, and here is a generally** accurate slideshow overview of the Oscars' best and worst of all time.
• Ikea
• Gin Buckets - they are the recipe for instant fun*** 

Things I Dislike:

• Congressman Alan Grayson****
• Bananas
• The fact that there's no Ikea in Colorado*****
• Hipsters that take themselves seriously

* Until now, I wasn't sure I bought into the idea that one good browser was better than another. Sure, Safari is infinitely superior to, say, Microsoft's awful Internet Explorer, however, I've always found well engineered browsers like Safari and Firefox to be largely interchangeable. Then I tried Chrome. And holy shit, it's awesome.

** I say generally because, obviously, the slideshow makes a few mistakes. For example, Halle Berry's 2002 dress does not qualify as one of 'the best'. In fact, I'm inclined to categorize it as one of 'the worst'. Because it's hideous.

***Ingredients: 1 large bucket, turkey basters, 1 quart of gin, and 2 liters of Fresca. Put gin and Fresca into bucket. Mix. Invite friends. Pour into each others' mouths by way of the turkey basters. Repeat. A lot.

**** Now, I know I tend to stay away from politics and that when I do brave the political seas, I generally sympathize with the center-right Democratic position that Mr. Grayson supports. That said, I can't really pinpoint what it is about him I find so repugnant. Possible suspects include his disgusting dye job, or the fact that he's a horse's ass. 

***** To be fair, Ikea does own a 12 acre plot of land just outside of Denver but as of now, construction is not scheduled to start until 2012. In my humble opinion, the mirage of an Ikea just out of reach is a huge tease. Honestly, it might be worse than no Ikea at all. 

Here's an Activity

I'm starting a new segment that I'm calling (as you may have guessed from the title of this post) 'Here's an Activity'. In it, I will suggest a random activity in which my readers may partake to relieve stress, fight boredom, or avoid paperwork.

Today's activity: explore YouTube's most viewed videos of all time. Excluding music videos, you can find some old school gems-- for example:

In case you were wondering...

Remember the good ole days when naughty texts were reserved for middle schoolers and Vanessa Hudgens? Well friends, those days are no more. According to the AARP, sexting is on the rise in the 50+ age bracket. Don't believe me? Read for yourselves or watch the news segment here. 

If you're not giggling yet, try this one on for size. The AARP published an article a few months back offering a step-by-step sexting guide for senior citizens. They say:

Step 1 – Fan the Flame: New to sexting? "Sexpert" Genie James recommends texting a quick love note to your sweetie during the day. Some of her favorites are, "Love you most," or "I still want to go to the prom with you!"

Step 2 – Turn Up the Heat: When you're comfortable, try texting something slightly suggestive, James says. "Can't wait until tonight" would work even for shy novices. Feeling bold? She recommends turning things up a notch with something along the lines of, "Forget chocolate, I am craving the taste of you!"

Periodically – Houseclean: If you're sending or receiving racy notes or photos, delete them every so often, advises relationship coach Suzanne Blake. "If you lose your cell phone or it's stolen, pictures can be uploaded in a heartbeat." –And that's not to mention the possibility of your teenage kids innocently flipping through your texts or photos.

Always – Stay Grounded: If you're dating, keep expectations based on sexting in check, says psychotherapist and advice columnist Dr. Jonathan Alpert. Just because you're getting hot and heavy texts, that doesn't necessarily mean you'll get hot and heavy in person.

Yeah. That happened.

Bummer for British Bankers*

Today, England's financial regulatory body, the FSA** decreed that banking bonuses had to be cut by 60%. That's right, you heard correctly, that's all banking bonuses.
But what about existing employee contracts, ask the big banks. This law is in direct violation of what  we promised our head honchos in writing this year.
Tough cookies, says the British government.
Tough cookies.

Now, I understand that the economic downturn is a global issue, but I don't think that many people would argue with me when I say that the United States is having a particularly hard time of it. Our society is decidedly capitalistic and, as such, our economy is more susceptible to greed***. And that's really why we're more fucked than, say, England. That said, why isn't the Fed implementing this type of policyfor American banks? All I'm saying is that the average US taxpayer probably needs that money more than some Merrill Lynch investment banktard. Am I right? Probably not. Would it work here? Definately not. But then again, I'm just saying.

As usual, your thoughts are welcome. Read more about the British bank smackdown here.


*Do you like my alliteration? Cause ya should. 

**Financial Services Authority

*** Now, don't get me wrong here, I think capitalism is a fantastic system. Fantastic. In terms of productivity, there's nothing better in the world than the United States and our meritocracy. That said, it has its pitfalls. Like greedy bitches taking all our money. 

Quick Note: Goodbye Weenie

I am deeply saddened to say that the delightful Ms. Weenie, one of my resident political experts who has contributed two or three posts over the past few months, will no longer be posting for me. She has secured a fantastic job working for a Senator of the United States and legally is not permitted to write for outside sources. Thanks for the great work in the past-- we're sorry to see you go.

Alien movies aren't all weird.

Honestly, I hadn't heard about the Neill Blomkamp-directed, Peter Jackson-produced flick until I saw it advertised on Comcast's annoying On Demand breakdown. And then when I saw the ad, I can't say I was particularly intrigued-- that is, until I was scanning through my favorite film critic, James Berardinelli's Top 10 of 2009 and saw the movie listed as one of his favorites from last year.

My interest now piqued and having nothing better to do tonight, I convinced a friend of mine to rent District 9 and watch it with me. Upon it's beginning, my heart sank. I believed that this movie experience would transpire like most other science fiction flicks-- with unnecessary gore, gross aliens*, and the development an undeserved cult following of intense comic book weirdos.

And let me tell you, I was so wrong. As it happens, District 9 is not really a weird alien movie-- it's a deeply moving psychological examination of human nature. More specifically, it's a compelling allegorical portrait of, on the small scale, South Africa's gruesome Apartheid movement and, on the large scale, most humanitarian crises in recorded history.

This said, let me give you some viewing tips. First, this is not an easy movie to watch. It takes about 40-50 minutes to get fully invested, and if you give up before the very end, I can't imagine that you'd leave with much hope for our kind. Second, don't watch it alone. It's graphic and disturbing and you'll want a buddy there so you have someone besides yourself to hold through the last half of the flick. And finally, it is imperative that you watch the whole movie. I have to say that several times throughout my viewing, I wanted to leave. I'm glad I didn't. The ending is perfect-- neither happy nor sad, but somehow extremely satisfying despite the bleak subject matter. At the same time, I can't see how you could be so satisfied by the film's end without having endured the first 100 minutes.

Here is the movie's excellent website, and here is James Berardinelli's excellent review-- he says it better than I can. If I've convinced you, or even if I've alerted the mildest of interests**, order District 9 On Demand, throw it on your NetFlix or iTunes wishlist, or, if you're feeling old school, go out to a Blockbuster and rent the physical DVD. It's worth the watch. I don't lie about these things


*Generally speaking, I find aliens-- especially disgusting crusty ones-- to be super-lame. Perhaps I'll elaborate on why at a later date but for right now, I'm pretty sure that letting you all know that I hate them*** is quite enough to get my point across. 

** Which, by the way, I should have.

***Come to think of it, I might have to reevaluate my position on aliens. Not only did I really like District 9... I really, really liked Avatar. 

Quick Note: Ok but like, I'm actually coming back

For those of you who care, I do apologize for my long absence. It had been my New Year's Resolution to start blogging again, but I really am just getting to it now... February 1. Over the past few weeks, My life has come together quite well and I am now committing to a minimum of four entries a week unless I let you know ahead of time. So yeah.... I hope you guys will continue to enjoy what little I have to say and let me know what's on your mind. Perhaps an advice column in the future..... hmmm.....