So, You Hate Football

Football season is finally in full swing. For lots of people, this means the return of an obsession. A chance for their team to rise to glory, to continue past ways of victory, or emerge from the ashes and finally have a good season. For the football-hating loved ones of these fans, however, this season signifies something different, the loss of weekend time with the obsessed. So, here's a short list of things you can do to win someone back from the grasp of must-watch sports programming. (Notice: Author does not guarantee or recommend these actions.)

1. Play Along

This is perhaps the easiest solution, though for some the most painful. Just pretend you like watching football too. Buy a Tom Brady jersey and wear it on Sundays. Learn some football jargon, (eg. "field goal," "interception," "touchdown") and scream when appropriate. The football fan might be excited that you're at least willing to feign interest toward something they feels passionate about. A difficult but generous compromise/sacrifice for the betterment of your relationship.

1a. Play Along (Alternate Version)

This option is for anyone who really can't stand watching a 200 minute football game, let alone four or five in a weekend. Still buy the Tom Brady Jersey. Now, research the personal love lives of football's celebrity crossovers. Loudly discuss the latest tidbits of their personal lives, even if they're not playing. Only pause from these ramblings to improperly use football terminology at key moments in the game: "Sack," "safety," "blitz," use them all whenever you feel like it. Also, make sure to ask "was that bad?" whenever the fan looks especially upset. Though your loved one might secretly hate you for using this spiteful tactic, the odds of them becoming so frustrated that they actually stop watching the game, at least at your house, are pretty good. You win!

2. Love Ice Skating

Football fans cower at the sight of ice skating. It is their kryptonite, one of the few forces that can repel a football-loving human from a TV that is, at that very same moment, fully capable of projecting a primetime football game. This is unfortunate, because there are plenty of reasons to watch ice skating. Hot women, awkward gender confusion, ridiculous costumes, and the frequent and embarrassing wipeouts compounded by cold ice on the ass. The real enemy of televised ice skating, or ice dancing, is football. These events are conveniently broadcast on TV only on Saturdays and Sundays. You can be assured that during any (regular season?) televised skating competition, a few clicks of the remote can quickly change the screen from pristine white ice to rugged green football field. It is your job to keep this from happening.

You must embrace and adore ice-skating: insist on watching it whenever possible, learn the names of ice skaters, research the drama filled histories of ice dancing partners, identify the different spins, whatever it takes to convince your loved one that you will be incredibly unhappy if ice skating is not on the TV. I understand this is may be a complex, character defining charade, but how important is this battle to you?

3. Take up a demanding religion

Another extreme identity shift, I know, but a problem this serious warrants an action this radical. Religion is often the best excuse for anything because it is nearly impossible, or at least extremely risky, to call somebody's bluff. So, get affiliated, get denominated, start practicing. If you want to get really creative, combine a few religions. Form a devout hybrid of Judaism and Christianity. On Saturday, insist that your loved one observe the Shabbat. On Sunday, take them to a prolonged Christian church service of your choice. After creating the Heavens and Earth did God take his day of rest, on either Saturday or Sunday (or in this case both), to watch football? Nope, so why should they?

In the end, if none of these solutions seem viable, it's probably because they aren't. Sure, it's possible to make more drastic steps (withhold sex, conversation, eye contact, or any other staple of a relationship, as retribution for watching football, or change the channel to home shopping or a Joel Osteen sermon and hide the remote). It's also possible to take more practical steps (have a serious conversation about such life-consuming addictions, or get HBO and convince them that its Sunday television lineup is better than watching a bunch of big, sweaty dudes run around on TV). But the lesson here is really that it is nearly impossible to forcibly tear a die hard fan of anything away from their passion. Trying too hard to do so will most likely destroy your relationship, or prove, once and for all, that many people will happily take football, or anything they feel passionately about for that matter, over an overly possessive partner. In the end, if football ends up being an intrusive fact of life that you're just going to have to accept, don't despair, it's usually only shown on Saturdays and Sundays, Mondays and Thursdays, and sometimes Tuesday, Wednesdays and Fridays.