Come to think of it, eBay

There's a reason we haven't seen a commercial for eBay in a while. 18 months ago, the online auction giant shifted the vast majority of its marketing efforts to a coupon budget, and in the process cut its advertising budget in half. One can only assume that in today's economic struggle, this strategy hasn't been working for them because this holiday season a new ad campaign has been gracing the airwaves:




eBay is smartly tapping into the consumer psyche this holiday season. The catchy tag line makes the message from the (for lack of a better word) "retailer" clear. After the drama highlighted by the Louis Vuitton and Hermes conterfreiting lawsuits last year, they want to remind you shoppers not to forget that ebay is a viable Christmas shopping option. And with the economy making clear but slow steps toward recovery, my guess is that Americans are more inclined than they were this time last year to consider pricier gift options like designer duds and sporting good so convieniently available on eBay.

Apparently the reaction to the ads has been somewhat mixed, but honestly I don't get why. I think that both Jim Gaffigan and Kevin Hart are completely hillarious (yet appropriate) in their roles. Let me know if you feel the same or differently.

If you want to check out the rest of the spots, take a look at eBay's official YouTube page. Enjoy.

What Really Happened to Tiger Woods? Who Cares.

I'm not normally someone to prescribe to stupid celebrity gossip, but seeing as the latest is about Tiger "Effin" Woods, not some nobo undeservedly famous half-celeb looking to stir up media attention, I'm interested. I'll start by saying a little about Tiger Woods, the legend.

Eldrick Tont "Tiger" Woods was born on December 30th, 1975, an only son to multinational parents. According to his Wikipedia page, Woods is "one-quarter Chinese, one-quarter Thai, one-quarter African American, one-eighth Native American, and one-eighth Dutch" -- how's that for a mouthful. After a childhood full of media appearances and prodigious youth circuit domination, Woods became a professional in 1996 and later won Sport's Illustrated's "Sportsman of the Year Award" as well as the PGA Tour's "Rookie of the Year Award." The rest is history -- 71 career wins, 14 Major Championships. In 2008 alone, Tiger raked in an estimated $110 million in prize money and endorsements, making him the highest paid professional athlete of that year.

But nobody seems to really care about any of that anymore. Now people want to know why Woods got into an accident outside his house and why his wife took a tee shot to his rear windshield. The rumor mill has since kicked into full gear. There are tabloid stories about an affair with a generically sexy New York dater-of-celebrities, Rachel Uchitel, which some speculate may have set Woods' much sexier wife, Elin Nordegren, off on a rampage that left his car wrecked and him bloodied and fading in and out of consciousness on a curb outside his home.

Ooooooh intrigue. Sort of. The only reason this is somewhat worth discussing is because Tiger Woods is the last person you'd expect to find caught up in this sort of tabloid frenzy. On the golf course, Tiger has been nothing less than a model specimen of professionalism, concentration, dedication and success. Stories have been written about his rigorous daily workout routine. He's married to a Swedish model/goddess, the mother of his two children. Any way you look at it, he's not the kind of person that you would expect to have distracting fidelity issues involving a New York woman who's apparently been involved with a famous baseball player, a Broadway star, a musician and married TV star David Boreanaz, of Bones fame.

So, I guess this is a big story. But I don't see why it has to get bigger than it already has gotten. I'm happy to speculate on these different rumors, but in the end, I don't really want to know, nor do I particularly care. It would be completely mind-boggling if any of this gossip was remotely true. I mean, really, Tiger Woods' wife is very, extremely hot -- much hotter than this supposed star-banging mistress. But, whatever the case, as much as his golf skills, professionalism and general awesomeness at life would lead you to believe otherwise, Tiger Woods is human, and humans make mistakes.

If the continued intrusive media probing is going to do nothing but tarnish Tiger Woods' image as a golfer, an athlete and a man, then why the hell bother? It would be like reporting that Santa Claus was caught cheating on Mrs. Claus -- if it happened, I don't need to know just for the sake of knowing, it would ruin the magic. In this case I'd much rather let him solve his own personal problems in just that way -- personally -- and choose to live in ignorance about any potential marital slip ups he may or may not have made.

When I watch Tiger putt for the win on the 18th hole, I want to see him as the golfer and sports icon he always has been, not some schmuck who cheated on his sexy wife, crashed his car and created a media hysteria that was impossible to ignore. Alas, I have a sneaking suspicion that this story is going to get nothing but bigger over the next few days. I'll try to turn the other way. And if that's impossible, I'll forgive him, whatever the circumstances. He's a golfer, not a saint, we have no reason to judge him for imperfection.




Tiger's current wife, Elin Nordegren



Supposed homewrecker, Rachel Uchitel

Virginia Smoking Ban

If you haven't heard yet, Virginia's smoking ban is set to take effect on December 1st. That gives all the smokers in the Commonwealth less than a week to light up as much as they want in the bars and restaurants that currently allow it. After the restriction kicks in, indoor smoking will be limited to separate room that have their own ventilation and outdoor patios.

Whether you feel outrage or ecstasy toward this legislation, you've got to be surprised Virginia -- which shares a name with most of the tobacco in cigarettes, and is the home to Phillip Morris's national headquarters -- managed to get this bill through, and with widespread Republican support as well. Though, with Bob McDonnell handily winning the gubernatorial election earlier this month, we'll have to see what part his strong historical ties to tobacco companies and lobbies will play in the future of a smoke-free Virginia.

Though I'm definitely all for having cleaner air and being able to leave Virginia bars and restaurants without smelling like my hair and jacket just split a carton of Marlboro 100s, I'm a little bit worried about what will happen this weekend. I think I suffer from the somewhat irrational fear that over the next few days, every smoking establishment in Virginia will be filled with people eager to suck down as many cigarettes as possible in a final smoky swan song before the ban goes into effect. This probably won't happen, but I'm not going to take my chances, D.C. here I come.

In case you were wondering...

MTV will soon bring the reality show "Jersey Shore" to basic cable. Yeah. It's happening.

What's with the douchebag craze? Maybe it's just me but I don't think society should encourage people like this, no matter the comedic value. But come to think of it, I guess the "Real Housewives" franchise does the same thing except for instead of Guidos, its vapid, soulless golddigging bitches.

Tomato, tomahto?

What's The Deal With Airline Foo...I Mean Catfights

Ahhh the wonderful world of beer commercials, where everything is innocent and sexy (or innocently sexist?). When most guys picture two girls fighting, a scene like this pops into their head. To me, that's ok -- I can at least understand why something like that would be awesome to watch. The real problem, however, is that real catfights never -- and I mean never -- look like that. So, why are people -- especially males -- still infatuated with the concept of two females beating each other up. Though I may have seen a catfight or two or three in my days, I still don't really get it.

Yesterday, I went to a Wizards game at the Verizon Center to watch the Cavaliers get their asses kicked. I had a great time, but I couldn't get over the fact that the girl behind me was perhaps the most annoying person I had ever encountered. She was loud and obnoxious, and at multiple times spewed racial epithets and other annoying banter. Though she clearly wasn't trying to be directly offensive with her words, her detestable presence eventually made the stranger next to her -- a young black girl around her age -- tell her to shut up. That really set the loud one off. I wasn't sure if there was any way that she could have gotten more annoying, but surely enough, there was.

The next 10 minutes was filled with an overdose of squirming, high-pitched squabbling and repetitive, uncreative shit-talking. This seems to be a mandatory prelude to any catfight, though it's ugly, irritating and boring. In the end, neither girl "took it outside," but if they had, the ensuing rumble surely would have looked very little like the beer commercial. Instead, it would be two girls who were once attractive now trying to beat each other up with punches, scratches and hair pulling. No matter how you look at it, they both would have come out less cute than they had gone in.

Despite my knowledge of these facts about how annoying the buildup to a catfight can be, and how rarely an actual catfight is anything more than graceless, flailing destruction, I can't deny that I would have trouble turning away from two girls engaging in fisticuffs. Some jackass from Esquire argues that any man who likes to see women fighting is "unconsciously hoping to see footage of a woman being murdered," but that is completely absurd. Though I would never encourage a catfight, or ever knowingly admit or even agree that they are "fun" to watch, there is something about human nature that makes the pitting of one human against another an exciting, if not entertaining, spectacle. Girls are no exception, and in a world where men's boxing is highly televised and violence is often glamorized, I guess it shouldn't be surprising that every once in a while, some girls harbor a specific desire to beat another one's ass. For those who watch, the same basic brutal nature that makes fighting of any kind exciting is still in play, it's just that these combatant have boobs...and vaginas...so...that makes it better, right? The fact that its something different than the normal man-on-man combat at least counts for something.

In the end, I'm not surprised that people would stop and watch if they saw two girls fighting on the street. It's a rare and unusual display, and human's aren't very good at restraining themselves from watching things that could be considered "guilty pleasures." What baffles me, however, is the romanticizing of catfights. They're not hot, they're not attractive and they're not sexy. If you haven't ever seen a girl fight and you happen to stumble upon one at some point in your life, don't expect to see shirts getting ripped off, or the altercation having an erotic conclusion. But, if you're a female and you plan on getting in a fight with another girl soon, maybe, just maybe, do the crowd a favor. Ok, or not -- please don't beat me up.

Rescuers Down Under

On a Tuesday that marks the release of Sarah Palin's sure to be entertaining autobiography -- if not in a sad, laughable way -- it's hard not to post something about her, or about the countless peeks and leaks about the book that have already been let out. Alas, I feel that my posts have been too political as of late, so I'll go with something else that is very dear to me, the demise of douchebag culture.

According to today's news clipping, found courtesy of HCwDB, some Aussies are making serious headway in combatting an infestation that has plagued their nation for years. No, I'm not talking about the Cane Toad, this is a problem that America suffers from too -- the douchebag.

A prominent Melbourne club promoter has outlawed "Ed Hardy. Skinny jeans. V-neck shirts. Pointed white shoes. Polo shirts with the collars up... ‘metrosexual’ attire... tight T-shirts, shirts with numbers on them, as well as men sporting either blond tips or dyed rats tails."

To you, Melbourne, I say bravo, maybe the United States can take a page out of your play book. And, to the Americans who believe that Aussies are all a bunch of kangaroo riding, didgeridoo playing, descendents of convicts, you're wrong -- they're just douchebags like you.



AND



The real question is, which infestation is worse?

Michelle Malkin, a C-word and a B-word

Instead of going right out and saying it, I decided I'd tone down the title. The linked blog is no longer operational, and I'm a little worried that the founder may have been assassinated. Anyways, in today's 2nd installment of "Xenophobic Assclowns," we're going to focus on a loud and obnoxious conservative pundit named Michelle Malkin. Though she has been working hard at hate-mongering, contributing to Fox News, and generally being an ultra-conservative moron for years, there is one incident in particular that has again made people like me realize how much I despise people like her.



On Tuesday, Michelle Malkin went on Fox News to -- like most of their guests that day -- drop a bunch of anti-Muslim blanket statements. After feeling happy with herself for correctly pronouncing the names of certain Arabs, she went on to say that "Political correctness is the handmaiden of terror...Military officials seem to worship the false god of diversity." Then she accused the armed forces of overlooking many "Muslim soldiers with attitude...who've been able to infiltrate themselves and insinuate themselves in the armed forces despite all sorts of warning signs about their hatred for America and their jihadi intentions."

Now, as for the first part about political correctness and diversity, I'm not really sure exactly what Malkin is getting at. Is she arguing for an all white and all Christian armed forces? If that were the case, I can promise you that recruitment numbers would drop to a point of complete military paralysis. Or, is she instead arguing that we need a Muslim-free armed forces? If that is the case, not only is she being overtly racist, but she is downplaying the positive role that thousands of Muslims have already played and will continue to play in the military -- that is if widespread talk like this doesn't change the already complex way they feel about fighting America's current wars.

I also find Malkin's tone in her second quote about Muslims "with attitude" to be offensive. Not only does she misuse the word "insinuate," but she implies that there have been numerous Muslim-Americans in the armed forces with "jihadi intentions." As far as I know, this is not at all true. Now, this isn't the first time that Malkin has been quick to needlessly accuse something of being "jihadi." In May of 2008, Malkin and a bunch of other conservative pundits began a brief but highly publicized crusade against Dunkin Donuts for an ad that featured Rachael Ray in what was apparently a "jihadi chic keffiyeh" -- or, as Malkin put it, hate couture.

Perhaps the most annoying aspect of this interview, or of Malkin's entire being, for that matter, is her inability to look at herself in the mirror. She is a first generation Filipina, born to parents who had come from the Phillipines earlier that year. At a speech she gave at her alma mater, Oberlin College -- very liberal by the way -- she countered an accusation of being insensitive to the plight of minorities with her own personal story.

"She told the audience that once, in kindergarten, she came home crying because she was called a racist name. 'My mom wiped my tears...and told me everyone has prejudice,' she said. 'I am eternally grateful for this [lesson].'"

What I take away from this is pretty much that from a young age, she has believed that everybody harbors some racist sentiments, whether overt or covert. So, to become famous, she decided to play to the most outspoken racists by becoming one of their spokespeople, instead of one of their usual targets. And now, for some reason, the Fox News crowd not only accepts, but embraces this kind of rhetoric. Michelle Malkin, you are a sick, self-hating, human being. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Another one of Malkin's main points has always been that “liberals see racism where it doesn’t exist, fabricate it when they can’t find it, and ignore it within their own ranks.” Sadly enough, Malkin's clear cut racism refutes her own argument. In looking at her words, we can see racism where it exists, we can always find it, and, for the time being, we can unite against a common, racist evil outside our own ranks.

Why Living in Colorado is Cool

This past weekend was quite a success. Let me explain.

Picture a plot of land nestled in the foothills of the Sangre de Cristo mountain range. Add some cabins, a cook house, four natural hot springs, one eighty foot pool, a suana, sand dunes, and a bunch of naked hippies in an alternative state of mind and you get the Valley View Hot Springs. My pal Jess and I brought along two guy friends, a couple cases of beer, and wha la! A successful weekend is born.

We arrived late the first night and as a result the gatekeeper turned us away, so instead we broke camp in a dirt parking lot down the road and libations were consumed. Let's just say, to keep everything PG, that we stayed up for the sunrise the next morning. We spent next day in its entirety at Sand Dunes National Park, which I must say is one of the most beautiful I have ever seen. Think about the scene in Aladdin before they break into the cave to steal the lamp. One step on the grounds and you are surrounded by sand cornices and white peaks that rise up behind the dunes. I wanted to sing Arabian Nights at the top of my lungs once we reached the highest dunes, but there were other activities planned for the weekend and we needed to get back to Valley View stat.

The rest of the trip was spent sans clothing, a lot of soaking, and involved some fascinating conversation with the regulars. I have never come accross people who were so comfortable with their bodies, or had so many interesting tattoos. If you have never visited a nude colony, I highly suggest it. Everyone is incredibly jolly, and most likely you will come accross aboriginal musical intstraments being played in the wee hours of the morning. Believe it or not, the sound of a didgeridoo can be soothing whilst soaking in 104 degree water and a views of snow capped peaks are exploding all around you.

Overall, Valley View Hot Springs is a destination not to be missed. If you ever come to Colorado, make sure to hit up Vail and all the ski resorts (obviously), but also add nude hot springs to your list. Your trip is bound to be sucessful!

How's this for putting things into perspective

Final Score:

Fox news: -2

Obama Admin: 0

Jon Stewart: 823

Alright Pat Roberston, Tell Me What Islam Is

It looks like Perez Motel6 beat me to the ultra-conservative hate-fest, but there has never been any harm in throwing a little gas on the fire, unless you use too much, which, in this case, would be impossible. Believe me, with the conservative commentators' reactions to last week's tragic shootings at Ft. Hood, there will be plenty of gas to go around.

Let me start by saying that I agree with a main argument that is being made by many people, especially by conservatives -- somebody messed up, big time. Nidal Malik Hassan was not and, whoever forbid, will not be the most covert terrorist to act on US soil. There were some pretty obvious signs that he was becoming increasingly radical, but for whatever reason, they were missed.

This, however, doesn't change the fact that what Pat Robertson said yesterday was taking his racist, xenophobic lunacy to another level. After a rather long rant, he accused the United States of "covering up what Islam is." According to Robertson, everything you have ever learned about Islam -- from classes, books, Wikipedia, or from Muslims themselves -- is wrong, and he would know. Islam is, instead, apparently a "violent political system bent on the overthrow of the governments of the world and world domination." He wasn't done yet, going on to say that we should treat Islam's "adherents...as we would members of the Communist party or some fascist group."

First off, does anyone else find it ironic that a hardcore Christian American is accusing another religion -- or "political system" for that matter -- of attempting to achieve world domination? If the goal was really to try to take over the world, history would clearly show that the US has emerged as The Brain, while the other nations are Pinkies. Ok, I'm not going to make blanket statements and call any single nation "genius" or "insane," but you get the point. As to Robertson's point about effectively treating Muslims as enemies of the state, I ask you sir, how stupid are you? Do you really think that every single person who answers to Allah speaks of infidels and jihad? Has the concept of moderacy in any way, shape or form ever entered that thick, right-leaning skull of yours, or does that miniscule mass of pink mush inside only allow you to think in extremes that induce hate and fear into an already fragily diverse equation?

So, Mr. Robertson, I both take offense to and disagree with your explanation of Islam, and pretty much anything you say for that matter. Everyone in this world is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Don't we all wish we went to Montessori School?

The reason why I haven't posted in almost a month is not because I have been traveling the world or biking across the country staying at unique bed and breakfasts thoroughly enjoying the peace and quiet of America's backcountry. No. Since August 17th 2009, I have completely and utterly devoted myself to teaching 3, 4, 5 year olds the art of being a human being. That's right. I am a teacher's assistant, and in case you know anyone who is of the same profession as I, please give them a shout out and/or a pat on the back. Welcome to my life...

I arrive at school at 7:45 am sharp, because believe it or not there is much preparation to be made in the classroom. First I dye a pitcher of water with the correct food coloring hue that coincides with the current holiday season (right now I'm mixing yellow and red because we are out of orange for Halloween and Thanksgiving). The water goes into mini pitchers and doll sized tea sets so the children can practice pouring. Most of the water ends up in their mouths or on my clothes, as well as the beads, sequins and mini pumpkins the kids glue to black and orange construction paper I have to cut into happy, appealing shapes every morning. While I'm placing caps back on markers and sweeping spilled seeds and beans with the midget broom, the eyes in the back of my head are watching the potty room for spills of a different kind. Potty spills involve wearing latex gloves and a gag reflex while I scrub poop off a toilet seat of soak up pee out of the sink with a midget sized sponge.

Come lunch time (11:30 am) I am dodging wooden elf chairs and tables where the children sit demanding we open their string cheese or Jell-O cups. I'm an expert at microwaving dino nuggets and sliced hot dog and macaroni and cheese. One morning a boy in my class wanted me to heat up his pheasant sauce and I wanted to refuse because I knew I would be scraping the creamy game-bird sauce off the bottom of a chair sometime later that day.

Nap time is the most crucial part of the day for the kids and the most excruciating for me. I sit in a dark, cold room rubbing backs and scratching heads easing the kids into their hour and a half slumber while I have to head nod keep my eyes open wide with my fingers or else I slump over and fall asleep right along with them, hopefully not on top of them.

We're all tired at the end of the day while I pack the kids' Spider Man and Hello Kitty packs with crafts and and coloring sheets. Some children cry out for their moms while others complain of hunger or how Sally hit Nikki and Sally doesn't like her and doesn't want to be her friend. As soon as the children leave the classroom I break everything down only to put all back in place the next morning. There is something that keeps bringing be back though, and in my next post I will have to tell you what that is...

Hippos

When you think about hippos you think fat, slow, and dumb. Well, I am not entirely interested in discussing hippos or the best thing about them (how they shit), but what I do wanna talk about is hypocrites.

I think its hilarious watching all these conservatives, right wingers, republicans, libertarians, hicks, whatever you want to call them, screaming and ranting about the deficit and spending in congress. This is their biggest issue, controlling spending. Stimulus package!! NOO! Health Care, "Well, I oppose it because I'm worried about the deficit." The government needs to get spending under control. What i say to this, "are you fucking crazy?" George Bush, who most of these psychos supported, put our country in more debt than ever. And what did he spend the money on? Halliburton and various other companies that his administration had interests in. They were paid to fight a war that should have been fought by the Military. Tax payer dollars were given to these private corporations and we outsourced our pride and dignity so that some CEO's could make a ton of money and we could kill a bunch of Iraqi civilians.

With the money that we spend in Iraq or on Halliburton we could have given the entire country Health Care and a College education for the next 100 years. Instead we paid a bunch of rich white dudes to kill a bunch of Muslims. So yes, I'm pissed. This entire bullshit war was one big stimulus package to the largest corporations in the country. There was no reason to do this, other than to take tax payer money and spend it so ugly white dudes could pay for high paid hookers and jerk off on 100 dollar bills.

The most ridiculous part about this whole morally depraved clusterfuck is that it was politically backed by the poorest most rural members of our society who believed in their heart that their country was protecting freedom and the country. These are the same people who adamantly oppose that the government provide health care that they can afford.

EXCESSIVE GOVERNMENT SPENDING ON US, NO!!! EXCESSIVE GOVERNMENT SPENDING ON RICH WHITE DUDES, YES!!!

Is this really what this country is about? How have the conservatives framed this debate so that it makes sense to spend tax payer money on paying private countries to destroy and rebuild a country and potentially reap the benefits financially and vacation in the Virgin Islands-- but providing cash so that normal Americans can have access to health care is a waste of money? I'm confused. If anyone can explain this paradox to me. Please. Because I simply don't understand.

Jury Duty Already Sucks

Nobody likes jury duty. It is really the mandatory sentencing of the public to take time out of their lives to listen -- rather carefully -- to other people's problems. The one thing you have going for you is the ability to convince the lawyers that you would be the worst possible juror imaginable for the case at hand. This is difficult for some honest people, as it may often require you to fabricate huge parts of your past life, your beliefs, or your present being. A very normal person could leave a jury selection process as a xenophobic nihilist who believes that leprechauns will one day rule the earth. At least their time wouldn't be consumed by a potentially long and drawn out court case.

I wouldn't, however, recommend making such insane claims. It's probably better to slow play it, leading the lawyers to believe that any relevant preconceptions or character defining beliefs you "have" are subtle, but apparent enough to ruin your objectivity in the case. The stakes here are pretty high -- check this out.



In England today, a court was subjected to a 10-minute audio recording of this British couple making whoopie, bumping uglies, getting it on, whatever you want to call it. Though dealing with sex, this recording was far from sexy, apparently sounding like both people involved were in 'considerable pain.' The plaintiff described the noises as 'murder' and 'unnatural, though only recorded at a maximum of 47 decibels, which is almost 15 decibels quieter than the average conversation. Whether it was the disturbing nature of the tape or other circumstances, shortly after it was played, the hearing was adjourned until Tuesday.

I'm not exactly sure what to say to this, most further thoughts on the subject are replaced by "gross gross gross, ewwww" accompanied by a gross mental image of the unflattering picture above. I'm not really sure if this is the kind of trial that would warrant a jury, but if it is, I wouldn't be surprised to see some mental anguish suits brought up against the plaintiff in retaliation for the punishment she put this court through.

Shaq Fu

When I was a kid, I was pretty obsessed with the Sega Genesis game Shaq Fu. I'm not sure why, I didn't even particularly like playing it, which makes sense considering that it has been widely cited as one of the worst video games of all time. Maybe imagining a 7 footer kicking major ass was just something that a kid could really get in to. Actually, I guess that's still the case for me, and if it is for anyone else out there, the world will soon have an opportunity to revisit this rare spectacle.



Tomorrow, David Haye will face off against Nikolay Valuev for the WBA World Heavyweight Boxing Title. The bout is being advertised as a battle of "David vs. Goliath," a cliche that is thrown around lightly in the sports world, quite often as a stupid marketing ploy to hype an otherwise boring event. Not this time however, this is a true matchup of David and Goliath, or in this case David against Nikolay. David Haye has weighed in at 15-stone 8lb -- yes, the Brits still use "stone" as a measurement, which is 14 pounds -- making him 218 pounds, while Nikolay Valuev has tipped the scales at 22st 8lb, or 316 pounds -- oh yeah, he's also 7-feet tall and looks remarkably ursine.

This should be an outrageous fight, whatever the outcome. Either the half-man, half-giant Valuev is going to use the cornrowed head of Haye as a punching bag, or the smaller, nimbler Haye is going to pull off an upset by dancing around his Shrek-like opponent. Either way, it should be amusing. By the way, that is Don King in the background, so you know he's promoted a hell of a match.

If you can't wait to see a huge guy deliver a beatdown, check out this video in the meantime. (Note: Pardon the violence and scary/bad Rammstein German music)

Hey, guess what I did...

So my sometimes contributing author, Christen, had mentioned to me that her mother's new dog can walk on the treadmill. I myself am the possessor of a highly energetic and athletic [not to mention really good looking] canine companion, and when it's gross outside and he hasn't been running with a family member in a while, he gets sort of... um, well, insane. Straight up jumping out of his skin, can't contain any kind of anything, bat shit cray-cray.

This in mind, I thought that running on the treadmill would not only be a pretty s

weet trick to teach him, but more importantly, an excellent way to exercise him when we are otherwise occupied and have neither the time nor the desire to deal with his crazy. So I did a little research to help me map out a strategy/ method and then got to work. After fifteen minutes, doggie was trotting along happily on the treadmill.

If you'd be interested in teaching your pooch to do the same, here's my first how-to video blog. I guess that when I'm nervous and on camera, I say 'obviously' a lot. Whoops. Anyway, I may eventually decide that this is too lame to continue to be made publicly available but until then, here it is:

Words to live by...

“I exist as I am, that is enough.”

- Walt Whitman

Chocolate Hounds

You're not supposed to give chocolate to dogs. Everybody knows that, just like they know you're not supposed to give beer to babies. What they might not know is that apparently, once you give a dog a taste of the dessert, your dog will become a canine Smeagol, fiending for its chocolaty "precious." The situation, however, isn't just as simple as that. Whether you knowingly give your pup a taste of chocolate, or if it instead gets its paws on it by more mismannered means, if given the chance, most dogs will exhibit the strange suicidal tendency of gorging themselves with lethal quantities of the toxic confection. I'm not sure why they do this, but it wouldn't be fair for man to judge its "best friend." After all, it's hard to argue that humans are well defined by their powers of reluctance or restraint in abusing substances that are hazardous to their health.

The potentially fatal components of chocolate exist in its fairly high levels of caffeine and theobromine, an alkaloid of the cacao plant that dogs metabolize much more slowly than humans. An extended and elevated presence of thembromine in a dog's bloodstream can lead to nausea, vomitting, diarrhea, epileptic seizures, and death.

Most dog owners have stories about their pets getting into chocolate. Generally the outcome is not very serious, and can, in retrospect, even be funny -- dogs pooping Hershey's kiss foils, exhibiting psychotic hyperactiviting, or being strangely picky in raiding a $50 box of Godiva chocolates. Last week, Tessie, my 20-something pound Beagle Whippet mix, battled her masochistic craving for chocolate and almost lost.

I returned from a quick trip to the grocery store to find my living room the scene of a crime: empty wrappers, torn up packaging, a trail of chaos leading from an open cabinet in the kitchen out to the living room carpet. The culprit was obvious, tail between her legs, her eyes avoiding my reprimanding gaze -- we both knew she was in trouble.

After examining the evidence, however I realized that she might be in more trouble than I had first thought. Among the wreckage were the empty wrappers of four 90 gram bars of Mexican table chocolate. Knowing that this was equivalent to more than three-quarters of a pound of some chocalaty substance, I called the vet. They recommended that I induce vomiting by giving her some hydrogen peroxide. After a few tablespoons, I only managed to induce gagging, to which she responded by madly dashing out in the yard and eating some select shrubbery. Taking her to the vet was the next line of defense.

A few hours later, Tessie walked through the door with my dad, who had picked her up when the vet closed. She looked like many of us have felt following a night of particularly poor decision making: shaky-legged, head down, eyes bloodshot from spending the last couple of hours throwing up -- she looked miserable. Her heart was apparently beating at 200 beats per minutes and she had an uncontrollable leg twitch, all signs of continued theobromine poisoning. We decided to play it safe and took her in to the emergency veterinarian. An hour and a half later, she was released, and finally looked a little better.

I'd like to think that this experience has taught my dog a valuable lesson, but who am I kidding, she's a dog. Dog's don't learn lessons easily, and, like I said, now that she's tasted chocolate, it's all Tyrone Biggums-like chocolate addiction for Tessie. Here's to hoping that she never gets an opportunity to eat it again.

+ x 4 = Trouble

The Post-Halloween Roundup

Hi all, I hope you all had a fabulous Halloween weekend over which you found yourselves making good decisions and correct choices across the board. I thought close out the week with a list of my top five favorite* costumes from yesterday:

5. The kids from LAIRE**: If you haven't seen Role Models, it's worth it just for the final battle

4. Holy Cow: A cow costume, complete with angel wings and a halo. Smart, right? I mean... I thought it was, you know, clever.... God, I'm lame.

3. Greenman: I saw a number of people in the now iconic green spandex wreaking havoc wherever they went. Upon further consideration, I felt as though my behavior might have eclipsed theirs should I have ever donned the suit. If you were wondering, you can buy your very own Greenman costume for begreenman.com.

2. Tommy Pickles: That's right, folks. Imagine a large, hairy man dressed in nothing but an adult diaper and a baby blue t-shirt. Yeah, I wasn't mad about it either.

1. Hot Dog Dog: I saw a short-haired daschund dressed up as a hot dog and burst out laughing in the middle of the street. Seriously, I couldn't contain myself. He wins the 2009 costume contest.

For those of you who were wondering, I dressed up as Where's Waldo? Needless to say I spent the entire evening being stopped in the street by strangers who would then proceed to scream "I FOUND YOU. Hey guys! Come here, I found Waldo!" Did anyone else see or have good costumes?

* An honorable mention goes to my contributing blogger Nick Wing. He got himself some skinny jeans and a really good wig and rocked DC as Aldous Snow-- Russell Brand's character from Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

**Live Action Interactive Roleplaying Explorers